Just another day on the subway...
I'll open this entry with a quote from David Cross's stand-up routine:
"When I'm on the subway in New York City I am faced with one of the most difficult decisions- to stare at the hottest girl I have ever seen...or the craziest person I have ever seen."
Today, I rode the train to Evanston to get a new phone (mine is messing up and I'm due for a free one- which I got today). On the way back I saw one of the craziest people I have ever seen in my life. Trust me- you'll want to hear this.
I was sitting on the train when in walked a man who looked like a doppleganger for Flavor Flav, a 90s rapper. If you don't know who that is, or can't remember, here's a reminder:
The guy had on starched jeans, fresh white Nike's, and a gold chain (all normal) but topped off his ensemble with some bright red sunglasses and a Dr. Seuss hat that was about 3 feet high (making him even more Flavor Flav-esque). Now let's talk about his best accessory...
He walked in carrying something that looked like a one of those little leather bags that businesses use to make a bank deposit. It was filled with what looked like what a crazy person might call their "business papers" ---some old receipts, random slips of paper, and a few gum wrappers. But the most glorious thing that he held in his bank deposit bag was a Walkman that was blaring Journey at full volume.
He entered the train dancing some strange dance which sort of paid homage to Journey I think. I was pleased when he chose to sit next to me, as he was so crazy that he wasn't even scary. That's how you know someone is really crazy- they really don't even seem to threaten your safety. I mean- I don't want to encourage them to talk to me or follow me...but they don't really scare me...especially with a full train of people in the middle of the day.
So, when he sat down he sang along with "Don't Stop Believin'" and sort-of waved his arms as if he was at the concert. Then he noticed the tattoo on my foot. He said that it was "cool" and I said "thank you" and smiled. He mentioned something about how I should keep smiling just like the "smiling face" on my foot (referring to the comedy mask rather than the tragedy mask). Then he told me that he "did not like" the frowning face on my foot. I said, "Well, I'm sorry buddy." He told me the tattoo was cool again and realized that I wasn't going to talk much more so he moved on to someone else.
There was a man sitting about 4 seats away wearing a hat that said Jim Beam. Flava Flav yelled loudly "Hey old timer- I like your hat! There's an old song about that: Jim Beam!" The man didn't say anything and just ignored Flav, but I knew what Flav was talking about. I even knew the lyric he was talking about from "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams Jr.:
Lordy I have loved some ladies and I have loved Jim Beam
and they both tried to kill me in 1973
The man didn't answer. He just ignored Flav as if he didn't hear him. I wanted so desperately to tell Flav that I knew what he was talking about and tell him the lyric...just to make him feel like someone had entered his bubble I guess. Of course, a guy like him has no idea that he is crazy...but I wanted him to feel like someone had entered his little world of crazy. But I didn't. I just stifled my laughter at how ridiculous the entire situation was- that I was relating to the craziest person I have ever seen. I didn't want to encourage him to follow me off the train or anything.
Then Flav went back to business and decided to take off his shoes. Then, when he thought I wasn't looking out of my peripheral vision, he took his finger, pressed it on his sock, and then returned it to his nose and sniffed it just to make sure that he was fresh. The funny thing about it was that the train didn't go past Howard street...so he was only going one stop. Why did he take his shoes off and get so relaxed for a minute-long train ride?
Then Flav did something that made me have to turn away so he didn't see me laughing. He put on his headphones (still blaring Journey) and he said really loudly:
"This is the remix! This goes out to all my n**gas dat passed away in...."
The rest was inaudible. I will never know who he dedicated that song too. But I did hear what the song was:
Faithfully by Journey
I started laugh as he swayed and held peace signs in the air. Then, as the train got to the stop he did something that resembled a genuflection and he got off the train.
THE END.
As I got off the train and walked about a block, I faced the normal beggars that I usually do...but one that was more sassy than usual, and she didn't look like most beggars- CRAZY. She just looked like a normal lady who didn't want to work for her train fare. The lady asked me if I had any money, I said no (as usual). But after I got about 20 feet away she yelled after me "Ya BITCH!"
I thought to myself- I maybe be a bitch, but at least I have my decency
Lins
"When I'm on the subway in New York City I am faced with one of the most difficult decisions- to stare at the hottest girl I have ever seen...or the craziest person I have ever seen."
Today, I rode the train to Evanston to get a new phone (mine is messing up and I'm due for a free one- which I got today). On the way back I saw one of the craziest people I have ever seen in my life. Trust me- you'll want to hear this.
I was sitting on the train when in walked a man who looked like a doppleganger for Flavor Flav, a 90s rapper. If you don't know who that is, or can't remember, here's a reminder:
The guy had on starched jeans, fresh white Nike's, and a gold chain (all normal) but topped off his ensemble with some bright red sunglasses and a Dr. Seuss hat that was about 3 feet high (making him even more Flavor Flav-esque). Now let's talk about his best accessory...
He walked in carrying something that looked like a one of those little leather bags that businesses use to make a bank deposit. It was filled with what looked like what a crazy person might call their "business papers" ---some old receipts, random slips of paper, and a few gum wrappers. But the most glorious thing that he held in his bank deposit bag was a Walkman that was blaring Journey at full volume.
He entered the train dancing some strange dance which sort of paid homage to Journey I think. I was pleased when he chose to sit next to me, as he was so crazy that he wasn't even scary. That's how you know someone is really crazy- they really don't even seem to threaten your safety. I mean- I don't want to encourage them to talk to me or follow me...but they don't really scare me...especially with a full train of people in the middle of the day.
So, when he sat down he sang along with "Don't Stop Believin'" and sort-of waved his arms as if he was at the concert. Then he noticed the tattoo on my foot. He said that it was "cool" and I said "thank you" and smiled. He mentioned something about how I should keep smiling just like the "smiling face" on my foot (referring to the comedy mask rather than the tragedy mask). Then he told me that he "did not like" the frowning face on my foot. I said, "Well, I'm sorry buddy." He told me the tattoo was cool again and realized that I wasn't going to talk much more so he moved on to someone else.
There was a man sitting about 4 seats away wearing a hat that said Jim Beam. Flava Flav yelled loudly "Hey old timer- I like your hat! There's an old song about that: Jim Beam!" The man didn't say anything and just ignored Flav, but I knew what Flav was talking about. I even knew the lyric he was talking about from "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams Jr.:
Lordy I have loved some ladies and I have loved Jim Beam
and they both tried to kill me in 1973
The man didn't answer. He just ignored Flav as if he didn't hear him. I wanted so desperately to tell Flav that I knew what he was talking about and tell him the lyric...just to make him feel like someone had entered his bubble I guess. Of course, a guy like him has no idea that he is crazy...but I wanted him to feel like someone had entered his little world of crazy. But I didn't. I just stifled my laughter at how ridiculous the entire situation was- that I was relating to the craziest person I have ever seen. I didn't want to encourage him to follow me off the train or anything.
Then Flav went back to business and decided to take off his shoes. Then, when he thought I wasn't looking out of my peripheral vision, he took his finger, pressed it on his sock, and then returned it to his nose and sniffed it just to make sure that he was fresh. The funny thing about it was that the train didn't go past Howard street...so he was only going one stop. Why did he take his shoes off and get so relaxed for a minute-long train ride?
Then Flav did something that made me have to turn away so he didn't see me laughing. He put on his headphones (still blaring Journey) and he said really loudly:
"This is the remix! This goes out to all my n**gas dat passed away in...."
The rest was inaudible. I will never know who he dedicated that song too. But I did hear what the song was:
Faithfully by Journey
I started laugh as he swayed and held peace signs in the air. Then, as the train got to the stop he did something that resembled a genuflection and he got off the train.
THE END.
As I got off the train and walked about a block, I faced the normal beggars that I usually do...but one that was more sassy than usual, and she didn't look like most beggars- CRAZY. She just looked like a normal lady who didn't want to work for her train fare. The lady asked me if I had any money, I said no (as usual). But after I got about 20 feet away she yelled after me "Ya BITCH!"
I thought to myself- I maybe be a bitch, but at least I have my decency
Lins
posted by Mrs. G @ 1:20 PM
1 Comments:
At 7:03 PM ,
Mom Oyler said...
O my, and you have only been there how long? Be careful.. but keep the stories coming.
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